Since thanksgiving is close at hand, I figured I'd play along, and dive right in, to divulge some of the things I'm grateful for. First and foremost, friends. My dear appreciation for those who have shaped, molded, sculpted, protected, loved, comforted, built, held, gossiped with, cried with, shared with, cared with, shopped with, laughed with, laughed for, wondered about, prayed about and shared with me. Even in writing, I have this euphoric feeling, I can't really type at the same time that I'm thinking of all the wonderful memories, and amazing experiences. There are absolutely four of you that I could not live without, I've thought about it from time to time, and have very well been dumbfounded by my loss of knowledge as to what I would do at your absence. I say this often, but there are very few words of the human language that can do justice to feelings and emotions, I cannot portray them and I cannot share them without diluting them greatly, I will make no attempt to either, I only wish that you could know, that all of you who have been a part of my life, for better or for worse, could sit down with me and I could praise you for who you have made me and for what you have done to make me the man I am today, and the journey has just barely begun!!!
For those of you who are not the four, I do not mean to single you out or leave you pardoned, I mean to grant you an even deeper love, not that of a deep and secular friendship, but of a lifelong and meaningful one. I wished this shortly ago to a dear friend of mine, not that we be best friends, or even friends in family, but lifelong friends, friends with a history and purpose. Friends who last eternally and engross love in all forms and in all places and in all things. I seem to grow more and more frustrated at the fact that there are words that I search for to try to express my show of love and appreciation for you, only to find that these words don't exist, and the ones that do, cannot bring justice to love demanded. The word hug does not bring the comfort that the physical arms and warmth of presence do. The word kiss does not satisfy the tenderness and love that the intimacy of the act brings. Though I cannot replicate them, I do wish every opportunity to give them to those who deserve them. If you have walked a path with me, or even crossed mine in the past, present, or possibly in the future, than I protest that my arms, my warmth, my tenderness, intimacy and love is reserved, specifically, for you. I don't like to beat the meaning of these words, but Thank You. Easily over used, but never under appreciated, Thank You in the most heartfelt and deepest meaning.
I'm thankful for my family, and though I will talk about the difference between the two, I'm more particularly focused on the one I was born into.
Though I hate admitting it, I do love my family. And I am baffled to think why, they raised me, they loved me and cared for me. Why is it that I find it so hard loving them in return, why do I have such a challenge partaking of their company and enjoying their spirits? I have thought long and hard, for many, many, many days and months about this. I have come to a conclusion though. Though it is a process, I want to learn to love my family. I have shut that door before, but I missed the kiss of a mother and the hug of a brother. I have longed for nothing more than to be a part ALWAYS of the spirit inside my nieces and nephew. I have longed for nothing more and wished for nothing less than to hold my sisters and brothers at all hours of the day and night as close as I can, to tell them personally and quietly of my love for them. So yes, I am thankful. I wish my actions matched my feelings, and I wish my feelings could be more fully developed and more outwardly expressed. I do love my family, I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for their love and tender, tender support. I love them, I wish that they could more fully understand that. It is a process, any love is a process, it takes work and it takes commitment and dedication to any degree for anybody. I love them, I am grateful for them indeed.
Among that family is family (how obviously redundant), not that I was born into, but have acquired over the years. I am grateful to have multiple fathers who have sheltered me, taught me, supported me, believed in me, laughed with me, drank with me, enjoyed with me, smiled and pondered with me, discussed and debated with me, given me opportunities to learn and love and grow, to be a part of their family, I have many of them, each one unaware of the other but none less dedicated, less devoted, less loving or caring than the other. Each one fully deserving, just as my own father, of that very title. And more importantly, to THEIR loves and THEIR lives, their wives, who have equally become my many mothers, who have done just that and more, I dare not defile any word here that is even closely associated with who they are, and what they do, I can only love them, with all my heart.
To all of the brothers I have, to their love and their support, there is no love more effulgent than that of brother who stand by you and loves you, who holds and guides you through the worst and the best, and most supportably earns their title, their love, and their relationship. How lucky I am to be a part of them, to be with them, to know them and to share with them.
To my one and only sister, the dearest love of my life and singularly most important person I have right now. That sounds so exclusionary, but it's what I am indeed thankful for. I am thankful for our few days spent together and our endless love and sweetest of times and relations. There are special memories, occasions and feelings reserved for special people who deserve them most, she is that one. Though I beat these words, again, to death. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am eternally grateful for my soul mate, and she knows very well who she is, I will say nothing more than what you have already heard, and what I try to remind you of every day. You. are. my. life. And I will never, not for a fleeting moment that my heart works to draw breath to my lungs, stop loving you, stop cherishing you, stop thinking of you. You are my very soul, the thing of which Christ himself has declared no being can live without, you are my very soul.
I am thankful for many things, a child's laugh, a warm tear, the caressing tenderness of a friendly hand, the mind-clearing heart-warming voice of a loved one. I could rant and rave till I die of what I am grateful for, it would do me no good. I pray, so deeply and heavenly, that we have chances to cross paths again, however often or seldom that we do, and that I can express my deep and unending love for you. That I can hold you, and hug you, and kiss you, and love you.
I don't deserve it really. I really, and ever so simply don't deserve to be as happy and carefree and full of love as I am. I am blessed. I just can't help myself.
May God or whichever higher power grants you your life forever grant you with so many forever blessings that you have no room to receive them, that you are left with no other option but to pass them on in love and devotion and care. May the spirit of warmth and happiness accompany you in the holiday season and for your many long and prosperous days ahead of you. May you someday, fully understand how much I love each and every one of you. Till we meet once more in a most loving and heartfelt embrace, I give thanks. May God be with you and may you have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
