I stared...
For a long time, several hours, which turned into a couple of days, which turned into a few weeks... just gazing at the blank page that was soon to be this blog post. I didn't even put a title because the words were not there to fill it... it took me weeks to figure out what I would title it. I had approximately 8.100,000 bajillion things running through my head, all of which I knew I wasn't going to be able to write down. But of those bajillions of things, the most repetitive and only one that mattered, was Tiffanie. But even then, my thoughts are sporadic, and my emotions befuddled... so pardon my words and pardon my thoughts, they are barely coherent and they are filled with cheesy love for my darling sweet.
My sweetest love beat me to the chase, I feel incompetent attempting to achieve what she so plainly and profoundly stated, and I will in no way attempt to out-blog, out-speak, out-write or out-do her in any way, it's not my place and her love and affection is to valuable. I could speak forever about Tiffanie... I really could just write past the sunrises and far beyond the setting horizons of the coming months, but I think the best idea would be to state the truth - the clear, easy and simple truth. It goes like this, I love her and in the physical, palpable, reaches of my heart there is no one compares to the affection, passion, care, and love that I feel for her. She is beautiful, she is an angel (a literal and guiding angel), she is passionate and affectionate, and most importantly, she is my best friend. First and foremost, my best friend.
Not everyone has the resplendent joy of titling their best friend as lover (or maybe they do and I just never understood it until now), and if there were words that existed in any tongue of man to describe the ethereal happiness, joy and peace in my heart at every word, touch, glance and smile that emanates from her, I would attempt my best to match their glory to hers. Sadly, it would not compare, and the words would be spoken in vain.
She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
There is a dreamlike state about her, where I'm never sure if I'm dreaming or not. I spend so much of my time thinking, and caring, and dreaming of her, the actual time spent together seems like a literal piece of heaven. I would venture that far too! As far as to say, in my limited knowledge of life experience, in what little I know of life, this is the closest to heaven that I've ever been. For those of you who don't know, Tiffanie is the one that convinced me I need to go on a mission... or rather, was the initiating catalyst to push me into telling myself that I needed to go on a mission. So now, not only do I have God by my side as my constant companion (not to say that he never was), but I have my most bestest friend too, and it literally is heaven. I have no fears, I have no doubts, I have few cares and worries, and all I can do is love.
She makes me a better me... or strive to be. I still have my bad days, I still have my flaws and poor attributes, but I want them gone. I want nothing but the best for her, because selfishly, I want nothing but the best for me - likewise, she has come to be my everything, so the best I can have is her, at her best, which means that I want nothing for her but the things that make her better and leave her at her best everyday.
I cannot say when I knew I loved Tiffanie, I can't say when she won my heart or when I won hers... I'm not even sure it happened that way, there was no winning involved. It's, in a sense, been the best draw I've ever been a part of. No... the best way I can think of describing it as, is trust. There came a time when trust was built, and when that trust strengthened, and when that trust became knowledge, and the knowledge developed into affection and when that affection turned to passion, I only knew that I trusted where we were going. I did not see it happening, when it first started, I wanted more than anything for it to fail, but I have never been so happy to be proven wrong in my life. She seems to be single source of entertainment, joy, communication, where I spend my down time, where I put my thinking effort into... and the more and more that we talk, and the more and more time we spend together, I have a harder time giving her up. I feel so selfish loving her so much, it seems almost wrong that just ONE person gets the full bent of my affection and attention, thought and time. I would like to spread it elsewhere, but I can't. She is my everything. So I apologize. For those of you who need her more than I, I do not mean to distract, I do not mean to disturb, and I, more than anything, do not mean to sour any other relationship solidified between the two of you. I can honestly say I do not plan the time I spend with her, rarely have we meditated on when we're going to see each other, or when we're going to spend time together, it just happens and we just do... pretty much the archetype of our entire relationship.
I love Tiffanie. She is the most beautiful soul, and I am lucky to have my heart stolen by such a shining ray of joy and such a happy and heavenly daughter of God. I love her, I need her, I want her, and I cannot! lose her. I want her, I want everything about her, every little thing from her head to her toes and every piece of soul inside and out and in between. Every blemish, every flaw, each freckle and hair, every wrinkle in her lips, every shimmer in her eyes.
She not only is herself with me, but she allows me to be myself with her. If you were to go around to every person I know, or every person who thinks they know me and ask them to tell a secret about me, you would never get the whole truth, you'd never have a consistent story. With the exception of a very, very few, I am not myself around others. I smile every time at the thought that Tiffanie is the only one to know me, all of me... that is... I have never lied to her, nor have I even thought about lying to her. She is the only one that knows all my stories, and all of me, and it puts me in the happiest mood to know that it is she filling those shoes, and no one else.
We have farting and burping contests (maybe she doesn't participate as much as I do... but....;)
We play like little kids in the street
We have snowball fights while we're wearing T-Shirts
We pass the time making faces
We play
We talk
We eat
We dance
We sing
We listen
We watch
We learn
We love
I have never asked for much of life, and all at once, wrapped up in one person... it gave me everything.
I have a hard time putting into words the feelings I have for Tiffanie, largely because the words to describe her and the feelings we share don't exist, partially because I hold her so sacred to my heart and so dear to my soul.
I love her. I love her sweet, beautiful, caring and adoring family. I love her eyes and her nose and her hair and her hands. I love her ambition and her musicality. I love her capacity to love. I love her capacity to be as omnipresent as is humanly possible. I love her kind soul and her sweet tears. I love her. I love her.
Thank you Tiff, for your love and your support. From miles away I can feel your embrace, I can hear your voice, I can touch your soul, I can picture your face. I love you more than I think I'll ever let on, for how often I abuse those words in their repetition, may I forever abuse them in the years to come, I love you. I am so lucky to be blessed with a best friend like you, to have a soul as forever courageous, daring, bold, beautiful and heavenly as I have dreamed of and prayed for. You are every wish come true, every promise fulfilled, every blessing received and every marvel wondered. I love you and may the next two years we are apart serve their purposes well and strengthen everything we are, who we are, and what we stand for. I love you, my forever best friend. May our days be forever filled with scripture sharing, glorious rain, orange slices, games of footsies, movies and books, fake tattoos and late night drives, never ending music, apples, kisses, bubble wrap, journals, stories, faces, uncut grass, tree houses, pictures and most importantly friendship and the love that is felt there. I kid you not when I say I will write you 730 letters, one letter for every day or the year, for two years. I can't not. Your love is most precious to me, you mean the world to me - I hope you will remember that forever. I love you Tink.
"You know the place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting."
"If you shut your eyes and are a lucky one, you may see at times a shapeless pool of lovely pale colours suspended in the darkness; then if you squeeze your eyes tighter, the pool begins to take shape, and the colours become so vivid that with another squeeze they must go on fire." That's our home, that's where our hearts are. Happy.
Where do I want to be in five years? Happy.
As of right now. I've never been happier in my life.
