The Me Inside Me

Sometimes I intend to post things on here that are over the top and probably unacceptable. Lately I have started to find myself...(which is weird because I thought I knew myself, but have come to learn differently and understand who I am and how I work and love... all that junk.) So today, I'm going to do exactly that... Kind of like my very first post (the things that I thought were secrets,) where I'm just going to post literally what's on my mind ALL the time and people can get over it or do what they will... but I get quickly tired of feeling suppressed by the emotions all the time. This is the first time I've really thrown out everything ABOUT ME (not about what I like or don't like), but about my soul, about me... me in a nutshell... this is a first... *whew ---------- Here we go!

• For starters, right off the bat... There is no one in this world that I love more than Tiff. Sorry...
• Secondly. I wish I could hold my friends at all hours of the day... sleep with them even.  Not in a sexual way, but in a manner that lets them know that I am always there for them. That I am always watching over and keeping very close tabs on them, making sure nothing happens and that I am always responsible for their well being.
• I am amazingly feminine in my love for appearance, architecture, music, theater and mostly just beautiful things. It's not a bad thing, and I hate the stigma that accompanies femininity in men.
• I enjoy theater and music because it is something that has not been the most supported in my life (until VERY recently). I use it as an attempt to make a greater triumph of the opposition I have faced.
• I have a very straightforward mentality... if you are not with me you're against me. If you are not loving, then you are hating. If you are not learning than you are digressing. There is no middle ground... there are no breaks... there is no kind of, or maybe or someday. Get things done and make things happen.
• I have very vivid visions of my future. Most of them involve my wife and my children, I do make perfect images of what they will be like, and I will stop at nothing until I can meet those dreams and visions... regardless of what you think.
• I try to love my family, but I find it VERY difficult. Truth is, I would rather give up. I would rather give up on A LOT of people, but I don't. I try hard to keep the friendships I have and blossom the relationships that I care about, and sometimes I try too hard and too often for things that are better left alone... every person and every soul is of value... even if you are a stupid fathead.
• I. LOVE. SMELLY. THINGS. In all reality, Bath and Body Works is MY store! I can't get over it. It makes me SO happy, I ALWAYS have time to stop by that store and check out all the scents.
• I love my groups. And I have many of them... They are my real family, and I care MUCH more about them than the family I was born into. These people, Luc, Sis, Kiera, Kayla, Ashley, Taylor, Maggie, Felix, Steve, Joseph, Tiff, Ally... these are my true siblings and real family. It has been interesting to see what a true family is like, the amazing love that constantly exudes from their hearts and the wonderful capacity to look out for one another. I die when I lose contact for more than day with at least one of them.
• I check out guys butts... yes I do. And girls butts... some butts are just nice to look at.
• I can, and I do, do it all. From cooking to cleaning, from music to literature, from backpacking to matchless fires, from arithmetic to arts... if there is something to be done, I will do it. It will get done.
• I embrace individuality more than I embrace power.
• Love is really the key to all peace and happiness... it's just that simple.
• I like looking nice, and I will pay so that I can look nice. I also like looking not nice, I don't need to be high maintenance all the time and I choose not to be sometimes, and I like it.
• I use language. It was something that I was raised with and I'm not going to stop just because you were raised differently... I respect you enough to watch my language around you, but I'm not going to stop, it will slip... eventually... get over it... the world has worse to offer I assure you.
• If you cry independence with your hand held out, I will cry dependence back in your face with my foot in your balls.
• Some people just piss me off... there is no avoiding that. The thick and thin is, that I will be very open about it and let you know exactly how I feel, if I don't like you, I will be blatant and hurt your feelings about it, I'm not going to waste my time so that I can break things to you slowly, if I can take criticism... so can you.
• Yes. I've made mistakes and I will continue to consciously do so for the rest of my life. I have never, and WILL never regret a single mistake I've made. Everything has something to offer you, do not be blind to what can improve you daily, take the criticism, take the bite, take the pain and anguish and tragedy and learn from it... it's the only reason it's there.
• I do not pine for a relationship. I pine for love, and friendships... a wife and a girlfriend is completely irrelevant for a teenager or young adult to succeed.
• I have strong opinions and I stick to them and could care less what you think.
• I enjoy quality time, which consists of me communicating with you and you communicating with me... that is quality time.
• I used to be an avid liar and expert manipulator, which led places that I didn't want it to go, and led places exactly where I knew it would... I don't regret lying to any of you, and I will continue to lie to most of you... just not the ones I love... truly love.
• Even though I have an ego, I do not like any aspect of me at all... I do not like my physical attributes and I am all the time downgrading the way I look... it's hypocritical and in no way healthy, but I can't get over it. And I do it within reason, not excessively or in a self abusing manner... just straight up... I am my own worst critic.... ALL THE TIME!!!
• It's hard for me to love... but when I do, it is exponential and unending. It is so great and terrible that sometimes it can come off as awkward or annoying or sometimes alarming. I know of no other way to show my love to  people than to show and give it all... sorry.

So whether of not that was aghast-worthy information or not... I feel better... and I no longer care. I'm happy to be me and to continue to get to know me... it's been a terrifyingly fun adventure. Care to join?