The Three Hour Back Break

The secret has been shouted, the cat's out of the bag, and the last few who care to know, this is it. The last thing I want to do is to tell you for reward or congradulation, this is not a public event, but rather... I'm simply letting you know that I'm resolute in serving my mission. I have yet to get my call or even send in my papers for that matter, but a mission none the less.

In the course of a three hour conversation with the most dear friend I have, my life took a turn for the different. It seemed that finally when I had my life settled and planned, we went for a curve ball at the twenty yard line and somehow scored the goal all the same. In a crazy world of emotions and religion and personal betterment, the choice to serve a mission has been far from an easy one, and I have even found myself trying to talk me out of it, only to realize how foolish that is, and re talk myself into talking me out of I talking myself out of a mission. But many have asked how I came to this decision and I'd rather not tell the story over and over and over again, so things are going to get extremely personal and religious here, if you don't care for either of those, than this is your lucky get out of jail free card, I find it sacred, which is why I'm so inclined to share it with you.

Right off the bat, I don't know how else to describe the feelings that have come with it, but I will try my best. I know that my heart is full. Every emotion is overflowing at every second of every day, it seems to me that every blessed power has entered my mind. In an ethereal light, all powers have not ceased, but rather, unified and stopped their course, only to help and comfort me in this time of decision and deliberation. I assure you, that this decision to go on a mission is my own, the power in my soul and peace in my heart are my own, but to that same end... I am nothing. They do not belong to me, I did not create them. My acceptance of these things, of the spirit, of my emotions, of this power is where they are derived from. Almost laughably, I am still (STILL!) in awe of my acceptance. I'm quite literally aghast with the change of heart that has taken place, but everyday that passes and every reassurance to myself is more and more peaceful and more and more comforting to the mind, body and spirit. There have no doubt been anxieties that have accompanied this decision, but they altogether have held little or no importance. They come and they go, like strangers on the street, only a select few are going to make a difference or are worth giving my full attention to. They seem to have the feelings of anxiety, but with a deep indisputable peace in my heart. Rather, they, or I, anticipate them to be anxious mindsets; even to the point where I convince myself I am suffering the symptoms, but are immediately replaced and shut out with peace of mind and a holistic enlightenment of the soul. I questioned often, "Is this enlightenment?" and the answer came so plainly that I can literally quote it, "Yes Marshall, this is what I would call 'enlightenment' - and also, the pure love of Christ." I was dumbfounded and swimming in my tears for the next several hours. Surely this is enlightenment, I have found it.

I have found it, I have rediscovered the faith, the faith that for so long I have dismissed and subdued, refused to accept because of my ego, my pride and my insufferable necessity to be right. But now, there is a wonderful light that fills my life. It is so potently centered that the light that fills the entity of my life becomes pointedly focused, like the head of a pin, and that focused light becomes a laser; with all of its direction and focus and intensity, without losing an atom of its potential and still managing to light, fully, that very entity from whence it came. It doesn't work in practicality, nor in theory either, it makes little sense, but it doesn't matter. I cannot dispute it, I now have faith in it, I believe it and I trust it. I also believe that with time, patience and a great deal of faith, it may come to trust me in return. I blessed with that guiding light that led me to this decision. She has been God's working tool to guide me back to the rod and show me the love that I have missed out on for so long. It is a testament to me, I believe, that God knows us better than we know us, and wants what's best for us more than WE want what we think is best for us, and He knows who and what can touch our hearts better than we, to open our souls to receive what is most important, to make us who we need to become and who we can be proud of; better than our mortal minds can dictate. I am SO lucky to have the support and guidance of so many dear friends. They are the family of my soul and captors of my heart. How I managed to acquire these guardian angels is FAR beyond me. I am eternally indebted, grateful for and in love with each of them and the kind and compassionate spirits that they house. The course of a life has come to mean very little, I feel. The end product is of no importance, we all know the final chapter of each story, plainly, it's death. So in the mean time, it's the adventures in the journey on this course that add depth and value, shine and luster to the ring. It is the deeds and legacy that make it of any true value to yourself or others. I am SO ecstatic about the adventures that lie ahead for me, both near and far, and what legacy and deeds I can accomplish in this lifetime. It certainly is interesting... life.

Life has a way of escaping us when we haven't even captured it to begin with and sometimes... that escape is JUST the wake up call we need to kick our lives into gear and change our souls. This process, a change of heart, is so electrifying. I am baffled by the process behind a change of heart. To know what it is and to be subject to it are two different things indeed. I am still trying to comprehend the over status. I feel quite like Dickens' Scrooge, from A Christmas Carol. Surely there was a change of heart in this man, otherwise, he would not have acted upon this new found love and have been so openly charitable with his joy and happiness. But in the accompaniment of such a turnover, there seems to emanate this ethereal "otherness." It is some sort of transcendental state of being where I think, ''This is not me," "I could not have thought this way," "This cannot happen," "I think not, I AM not, I act not this way." While my heart has changed and learned to be peaceful with the art of acceptance, my mind is still struggling with the older, more naive and thoughtless behaviours and habitual patterns of human-ness. I am so at peace that I am looking for things to go wrong, but when I have found a lead to what might be a viable down bringing of this enlightenment? Faith, joy, and happiness outweigh worldly reason and I am again brought full circle to stand in awe at the process behind what it is to have a change of heart. I've come to understand that a majority of that respect may come from previous choices that I've made which in turn have taken time away from being close to God and the spirit. In lacking that strength I can can now have a better understanding and more full appreciation of the time I have with Him and what a vitally important gift it is. Happiness is the object and design of our nature and existence and will be the end thereof if we can pursue the life and path that leads to it. Whether or not it's the choice to serve a mission, for me, the peace that has accompanied it has brought me happiness. Now that I have found what has made me happy, I cannot let it go, it is too valuable and it means too much for me to simply give it up now. it's like finding an infinite amount of what you've been searching for all of your life, but never having really lost it at all. And now you have so much of it and you love it so deeply, that you want others to experience it and love it as deeply and intimately as you do. You want others to search for and find what they have never lost and more importantly now that you have searched and found together, you now mutually want to share in it with each other. This now means you have found infinite of what you never lost and then some with those whom you have helped in their adventure, in their object and design, in their happiness. There is nothing more fulfilling than seeing the potential and goodness in someone and helping them to achieve it. OUR full potential is reached when we are willing to let others lift us up to help us achieve it, we cannot do it on our own. But for those who attempt to, we discover that we were not wrong to try and progress singularly, but that we tried! And in our failure to succeed, learned from our mistakes, bettered ourselves and those around us the best we knew how and moved forward with our new potential to guide us and our memories and mistakes to teach us; and with our change of heart and new paradigm in head, nothing can bar our way!

This is enlightenment! This is the birth and freedom of a new, young, free soul. And this new, young, free soul is wild and greatly under appreciated by, ironically, the soul itself. It does not know that the body and mind it inhabits will wither, unable to keep up in its mortal existence with it's passion and fire and drive. It does not know it will be replaced with new worries and cares and concerns and overwhelming prospects of life. But the mature and aged soul does, it has experienced and it knows and at the catch of this new young fire springs forth a burst of passion, an ignition of life and the soul is found again... found where it was never lost to begin with. It is for this overly elaborate process that I am grateful for the wayward and confused. I embrace the trials and temptations set forth by the mighty and terrifying Lucifer, for while he does manage to win a few celestially heartbreaking battles, he manages more damage against himself than is understandable, he is the beginning of this process, the Atonement of Christ. He is the start of this combustion of passion and fire, and in that circle, more good is found in the change of heart than is mortally understandable, and we in turn reach out, grasping firmly to the rod to those who have lost it's comforting and sure grip and in turn, their changed hearts and open hands outstretch and quickly the effect is exponentially spread. I do not fear the Devil, I fear for those who are unwilling to accept outreached hands. As easily deducible as it is, we are mortal, and we cannot reach out forever to everyone at all times. But there IS someone who CAN! Beyond the restrictions and temptations, aggravations and faults of mortality, and his hand is ALWAYS outstretched, to ALL, at ALL times, EVERYWHERE and it never wanes in its knowledge, power and glory. It is beautiful, it is perfect and best of all, it is ours. But ONLY, if we choose to accept it.

What a blessing the gospel is... WHAT A BLESSING!!! I sat in church today simply thinking, this is good, this is wonderful! And at one point, people who weren't paying attention caught my eye and I immediately thought, "HOW ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!! HOW CAN YOU DEVOID YOURSELF OF THIS KNOWLEDGE!!!" I wanted to scream it from the pulpit, shove over the speaker and just say, "THIS IS THE GOSPEL!!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION!!!" It was a little brash, but I've felt such a power in Sunday's. I've only been active a month and already, Sunday's are my favorite day. I'm up early to go to church, I dress in my finest attire, I'm attentive and this week I even brought a journal to take notes. I have missed the soothing four parts writings of hymns, the easy theory and music analysis I get to do each week in an hour of meditation, an hour where my ever thinking mind is clean and calm... it is my break from the world, my rest from an overbearing life. I was not ready for it... but religion has become my safe haven.

I leave you quickly with an excerpt from the November 84 Ensign and the words of Elder Dallin H. Oaks: "When we think of service, we usually think of the acts of our hands. But the scriptures teach that the Lord looks to our thoughts as well as to our acts. One of God’s earliest commandments to Israel was that they should love him and “serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.” (Deut. 11:13.) When the prophet Samuel was sent to Bethlehem to choose and anoint one of the sons of Jesse as a new king for Israel, the Lord told him to reject the first son, though he was a man of fine appearance. The Lord explained, “Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Sam. 16:7.)"

I am reminded of the widow's mite (okay... one more), and the spirit of, it's not how much you give, but with the intention and the meaning behind the giving.

I love you all, and I love our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ. There is no power in existence that feels as beautiful or empowering as his. The atonement is real. GUYS!!! It's REAL!!! It works, and don't take my word for it... go find out for yourself. There is a wonderful set of written words for us to study, they are true, they are chalk full of only good things. Things that bring us closer to our Father in Heaven, things that bring us closer to eternal salvation. These things are true, the love and power and glory and beauty and perfection is true, and it's all for us and our growth and benefit. I love you. I love this gospel. I love! Of what few things I can bear witness of and testify to their truth, I do with great vigor, peace and a deep and loving conviction. Forever. And ever. In the holy name of our brother and Savior, the eternal and glorious son of God.
Amen.