The Acceptance

It's been a while since I've sat down and written anything… a very long while. And I tend to write in my moments of greatest depression and anxiety. How brilliant a way to start a blog. With depression and anxiety - but this blog, like all blogs is for me, not necessarily for you - where I can write uninhibited and worry only about my thoughts and me, and the therapy of getting my bottled life and emotions out. So if you don't care to know or read about such trifle, I'm giving you your out right now.

I write about a very present and vulnerable topic today for me. Acceptance.

More specifically - love.

As forward as I can be, I was taught from a very young age that if something goes wrong… even if it is not my fault, that it is my fault. A healthy lesson to learn in humility and accepting your wrong doings - not a healthy lesson to keep with you in every aspect of your life. The weight of life, like it does for many others on a daily basis, has bogged me down with worry and strife and woe these past couple of days. Not because of anything I've done, but because of what I haven't done and taken responsibility for. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. As a child, I learned to habituate regret for most any choice I made that wasn't a "right" choice - as an adult, I've learned to habituate, in retaliation, a certain relief in any choice I can make that yields the minimal amount of consequences possible. And I'm not saying that I was raised poorly, or that my parents were terrible… they did the best they could… but something has got me thinking a LOT recently - and I've come to a new conclusion.

You are the not the product of the results of your life. Or better put… your self worth is not affected by the outcome of events in your life.

The hardest lesson I've heard, and yet to learn.

It seems so easy for anybody to accept that because they failed a math class, that they, as a result of that outcome, are a failure. It's easy to associate lost or broken relationships with your self worth. It's seems as there's a direct correlation between social and public acceptance, and our value and worth.

This simply is not true. It couldn't be FARTHER from the truth.

I envy those that are content with themselves. If there's one single solitary thing that I could say I strive for - it would be that I yearn to be content with myself. But I even worry about my worries, and that makes me worry that I worry too much. For me it's my pesky brain and endless imagination that get me into trouble, for some it's those couple extra pounds, or the neighbor with a boat, or our nose, or that you can never do your hair right… or even that you're not content… for no specific reason. The next hardest challenge and scariest lesson I've learned.

EACH AND EVERY ONE IS VALID.

No level of doubt or concern or worry or anxiety is not valid. If you happen to think that your gap in your teeth pales, for some reason, in comparison to the strife of that of a homeless person. You are wrong. Your worries, your cares, your concerns, and thoughts, and daydreams, and strifes, and joys are just as valid as anyone else's - regardless of their severity of nature, or direness of tragedy. One mans pimple is another mans peril. This, again, does not affect either's value or self worth as a human being. Be it petty or perilous, we all have problems we must sort out.

But that's kind of magical.

I think of it like this… I deal relatively well with a myriad of things, things that you may not deal well with. So my job as a human is to help you the best I can with those things that I deal extraordinarily well with, and I would hope that you as a decent human would return the favor with some of those things that you deal well with that I don't.

I for one, fear more than anything, being loved. In my experience, to be loved is to say goodbye… I'd rather, then, keep my distance and never have to say goodbye. However, I know many a people who are loved endlessly and love endlessly in return. Keep your friends close and your fears even closer. Amid these recent discoveries of love and of life and of regret and acceptance is the most import I think I've had in some time.

As a recent friend and I went to breakfast recently, we talked about choices we've made that we regret or would do over. Things about college that made us break, or almost broke us. Things about marriage that tore us apart, or more realistically, put us back together. Among the golden nuggets of this conversation was that of a dear friend to us both, who quoted to us…

"When making a decision… there is no right or wrong answer, only the choice you choose to make and accept as yours."

As the ever famous Laurie Harrop-Purser would say - Everything you do is Perfect. (if you ever want to TRULY learn about self love, talk to this woman for five minutes)

So here's the stink and rut I've fallen into, and it's a terrible chasm that I've not hiked through for over half a decade! What if you make a decision and you regret it? What if your choices yielded some results that don't come out as you expected them to? What do you do when you give it your all and get nothing in return? That last one is the golden question that makes or breaks any human dedication to anything. What do you do? How do you cope with that…? How do you continue to love yourself and accept that these things don't affect your self worth? That they don't affect your soul or your value as a human being?

Why is true acceptance so difficult?

Why must there be a caveat to full acceptance?

How do you know when you've accepted yourself?

How do you know when you've accepted others?

Is it a matter of laying down your life? Your career? Your possessions? Your dreams?

Acceptance is hard. I think anyway. Tolerance is easy. Respect is admirable. Kindness is virtue.
Acceptance is hard.

I want to know your opinions… I want to hear your thoughts!

For me… it is a step by step process of learning that I am not the product of outcomes in my life. I am not the storm that can rage inside the human mind. I am not people's perceptions of me. I am not even my own perception of myself. I am worth SO much more - For me… it is yielding to nothing less than I know that I deserve in this life, and striving ALWAYS to better me for myself, so that those that I love can have the best.

Acceptance is hard. But I'm learning to conquer it day by day… baby step by baby step.

Today I do not accept my worries or woes for I fear it has a negative context. Tomorrow, I want only to be stronger because of that.

Acceptance for me is becoming stronger by learning from your mistakes, and loving more because you yourself are flawed.

And that makes you perfect.