The Blog Tagging - 25 Things You Don't Know

The Game - someone tags you in a post or in a blog and you have to write blaaaahh blah blah blah blaaahhh... Here's twenty five things that chances are you don't know about me... treat them well.

1. I like socks... and underpants. If you know me well enough than you know that I have a large assortment of boxers and a myriad of socks... they are my guilty pleasures.
2. I cannot STAND hair on carpets... something about it is just utterly revolting. Sometimes I gag.
3. There is no room for pessimism in my life, but I've hung out with enough of you damned people that it's starting to rub off, and it really pisses me off. If I should make any complaint it would be that... pessimism... >.> wait.....
4. I'm a lover of hot button topics, if I can squeeze in a controversial subject I will. I find joy when people can stand up for what they truly believe in and what they think is right, regardless of how I feel, so I get a genuine kick out of challenging people, and likewise...
5. I have a hard time turning challenges down! I LOVE challenges, and anything that can puzzle my brain is even more noteworthy and tantalizing. There's something about proving people wrong about my capabilities, because in all honesty... that's why we issue challenges, because we know someone can't meet the ideals of expectations that we set forth for them. Which I think is another hot button subject.
6. I test my friendships, and I have lost many of them in the same discourse. I need to know that the investment that I'm putting into someone is worthwhile and quality, very few have undergone the rigorous testing and actually come out sticking with me! It's also indicative of who likes being challenged, someone who faces challenges and adversity with a positive mind and open palm is welcome to call themselves friend! I'm not sorry if I've set too high a standard for friendship and some of you haven't met it. Chances are, I've failed to meet the standards of many people who have done the same to me. 
7. I'm very self conscious of my body image. Someday I won't be. Today, I am.
8. I have three sisters that I am obsessed with. Jesse, Nicole, Amber. Their advice is amazingly poignant and each one has such different perspectives, I truly am blessed to have them.
9. I am blessed beyond belief to have two amazing brothers. That should be no secret, but I secretly love one and have come to respect all he is and all he does, for his fighter ability and amazing personal, physical, emotional and spiritual strength and the influence he is to me. And I secretly pretend like I'm a role model to the other one, with hopes that someday I get the tear jerking soul warming statement, "I'm proud of you Marsh. I want to be just like you." There is no better I could think of.
10. I am an uncle, and I revel in that fact everyday.
11. I. LOVE. TEACHING. It's the reason I teach elementary, it's the reason I taught Jr. High. I walk into my class every Monday and Friday with such an elation and joy in my heart. Sometimes they don't understand what I teach and sometimes, I don't understand what they learn, but there is something to it. I can't really explain it, but it has come to be the greatest blessing to me. When you find something that brings you joy, when you find something you love, you CAN'T NOT share it. I have a deep rooted and innate passion for music and theater and I can't not share it. Teaching is a blessing.
12. I love too easily. My heart is stolen so quickly, and I get in to trouble even quicker because of it. I have a real problem falling for people, and in that time I set up worlds and heavens for us, and quickly, they come crashing down.  I don't why I do, especially since I KNOW I do, and I SHOULD make ammends to it... I'm not quite sure how. There is no emotion quite like love, and even for the heartache that accompanies it in the downfall, the bliss in the moment seems worth it, to build my desires and expectations, my passions and feelings, it's the most raw and human thing we as humans can do.
13. I think. and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think. Point being, I never stop thinking, and it can be taken as a blessing or as a curse. Because my mind whirrs at a million miles an hour, when channeled correctly, it can make for some exceptional humor and quality wit, it is also the reason I have come to conquer a very calm and deliberate course of action, I don't know of a problem I haven't been able to work through, with or without help. But when let rampant, my mind can be a vile and deadly manor, filled with wanton thoughts and pointless images.
14. Along those lines, although I live in constant fear, I can out reason myself into action. I have rarely NOT done or tried. The world's purpose is solely to be experienced, and I want to do just that, I have found many things that I love with all my heart and I stick close to those things music, teaching, theater, fishing, rock climbing, backpacking, camping, horseshoes, washers, biking, canyoneering, fires, learning, reading, writing, loving, giving, hugs and kisses. I can't fill ALL my days with ALL these things and I'm having a really hard time with the withdrawals that I'm having in a few of them (AHEM! ROCK CLIMBING!!!! ***NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK WINK!!!!!! if anybody wants to take me, I wouldn't turn down your invitation... but that's not important.), but I make plans to pursue these deep rooted passions and keep them with me always.
15. I over analyze everything. Mostly in relationships, but in everything, overall. I don't like it either. I break apart peoples speech patterns, emotions, color schemes, body language, mannerisms, free time usage, glances, smiles, writings, hair styles, self care and lock it away in a little folder in the back of my mind, and everybody's everything is always there. And this is my problem, that because I do it, I simply assume that EVERYONE does it, and I watch very carefully everything I do for that reason, when truth is... NOBODY CARES!!! ....*sigh... I'm doomed.
16. The imagination is hands down the most glorious thing we have. If there is one thing I will support with my very last dying breath, it would be the imagination. To see the affects that the image that someone had in their mind, put to paper, than to action, than to life in SOMEONE ELSE'S BRAIN!!!??? I find it so desperately sufferable. I LOVE. seeing people be creative, there is nothing like it. The imagination is beautiful and complex, astounding and heart warming, I'm lucky to be good friends with mine and I LOVE getting to know others'.
17. More than anything, I fear being alone... not now, but... future tense... alone... I'm fine going to the movies by myself, eating out on my lonesome, taking walks with no one. I thoroughly enjoy it as a matter of fact.  But the fear of alone-ness means more something alone the lines of, I won't create all the memories I want to, or envision. I don't want to NOT have memories with those I love, I wish I could marry my best friends! ALL OF 'EM.
18. Best friends. We've all got 'em, we all need 'em. I'm lucky to have: my most best friend in the whole world, Tiffanie. I don't need to write a whole lot about her for her to know how much she means, since there isn't a day that's gone by that we haven't talked to each other in the past four months... I think she understands what an influential and incredible part in my life she has come to play. Queer how life works :) Lifelong acquaintances, young adult soul mates, best friends for life. How did I get so lucky? - My most wonderful and beautiful sister Sissy (well... I guess your REAL name is Michaela huh? Nope! It's Sis!) When you can sit for hours and hours in silence as we have done on so many occasions, than you know you've found the soul you've been pining for, for so long. There is such a special place reserved in my heart for her, that no man can touch and that no words can taint and that no action can defile. - THE BEST brother Steve. When I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure with, I need look no further. When I need to be creative, there is no better support system, and when I'm down? Press play, let the harrowing cinema take place. We two escape this world quite often, a process that helps us to understand how lucky we are and how little is asked of us, how spoiled we are and what beautiful lives we live. I know of few people who could endeavor to make that journey with me, and few people who are as selfless and heartfelt and holistically giving. - My brother, my roommate, my best friend, and his family. It's always a relief (I assume for him as well) to be able to come home from the worst of days and just expel, my life, my story, my worries, my wants, my thoughts, my deeds, my day... it's so therapeutic to have your best friend be your brother and roommate in the same kick. Fellow movie commentator, guilty pleasure T.V. watcher (so what!? We like Degrassi? and Glee? AND New Girl? AND New Normal? AND American Horror Story? AND Southpark? AND Family Guy? AND My Little Pony? (mostly Luc) AND Modern Family?............ so what?), down time video game enthusiast, music appreciator, stupid humor lover, retarded picture sharer, YouTube video watcher, arguer and friend. - My dear dear lifelong friends, those who have changed me and supported me through thick and thin and who I love with all my heart, whom I could never forget for what they've done, the love they've given and the support they've shared / Kiera, Kayla, Ashley, Taylor, Abby, Josh, Nate, Ally, Tessa, Elise, Calee, Lorelle, Cameron, Cader, Nigel, Bryce, Agnes, Greg, Felix, Russell, just to name a few. Friends come and friends go, but I sure hope I hang on to these guys for the rest of my life, and I'm lucky to know that a couple of them are staying for sure, not many have they luxurious commodity!
19. I feel like the luckiest man alive to be able to make a living out of what I love doing. I know of many who are stuck in jobs they don't like, and while I may never be the richest or most famous, I get to share what I love to those who need and want it the most, and in the mean time I get to spend all my hours, all the days, doing what I love. I may not always be able to scale mountains and pitch a baseball, or swim in the ocean or climb trees or pee outside or fish the rural lakes of the Uintas. I'll never stay young enough to play football forever or go running, shovel my front walk or mow my lawn, but I certainly will be able to write, appreciate writing, read, make music, listen to music, appreciate music, play music, tell stories, think up stories and act them out for as long as I live. I'm the luckiest man alive!
20. I hate making lists or setting time limits... sad thing is... it's what I'm best at and do the most. I would much rather have things just go and do and be and occur and happen and live... I'm getting better, but I'm still stuck in expectations, lists and timer world... ya... it pretty much sucks.
21. I'm disgustingly OCD. I've learned to control it very well, but sometimes I just can't stand things not being straight, aligned, in the same color scheme, dirty or out of place. Sometimes I just OCD crazy or fixing and cleaning and straightening and rearranging... but I'm much better, card games don't bother me anymore :D
22. I filter a lot, few people, and I mean FEW like... I can count them on one hand and have room to spare, know how blunt and sometimes rudely honest I can be, but that's really who I am, most of the time I just filter out the wazoo to make you feel nice, but most of you haven't even pushed to the hot button subjects for conversations to be filterable at all... if that made any sense what so ever. Long story short on number twenty two, I'm a whitty smart ass with no filter and could care less about how you feel, the truth is the truth, yes, sometimes it hurts, but... tough nuts dude... I'm over it, you're over it. Look at how easy that was! ^.^
23. I miss my Gram. I think about her often and I couldn't asked for a better childhood friend, and though our last five years together were not the most pleasant or ideal in their conditions, I got to spend them with her at my side, every step of the way. I miss you, and I love you. Thank you for watching over me and my family always. Every batch of cookies I bake, I do for you, the best Grandma ever, Audrey.
24. Although I do have very unique ideas and feelings about the armed forces and war, they have my utmost respect and love, especially since two of my brothers and served and served well. I also LOVE the songs, all the anthems for each branch almost bring me to tears... here's a link if you're not certain what I'm talking about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_I5BqvpkwmA 
25. In my range of tasted foods, the only ones I can't eat are Cheetos, Pot stickers, and Egg rolls. I'm game for anything and everything else. I'm a HUGE food connoisseur, I firmly believe that there are only three universal languages; love, music and food. I'm fairly well acquainted with the first two and I'm getting to know the third better and better, those are the only three things that can cross any national border, can travel to any distant continent, journey to any distant land, and still be understood. Music, Love and Food.

Perhaps you've learned something about me, perhaps you don't care, but I'm playing the game too, so if you have a blog, or even if you don't! you've been tagged, you're now a part of the game, share with someone twenty five things that they might not know about you, step out of your comfort zone for a sec, let people inside your Fort Knox of emotions and feelings, go crazy. Happy Blogging! May God or whatever higher power you believe in grant you so many blessings that you have no more  room to receive them, until we meet again.

The Order of Wisdom

Mosiah 4:27 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

A dear friend turned me to this scripture the other day, a miracle in it's own right that I would even look at a scripture to start with. I got thinking though about the meaning, about my life, about many, many things, and in that great duration of thought, the phrase from that scripture "Wisdom and Order," kept popping into my mind. Though the meat of the scripture resontes the idea that, "...it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength," still, the idea of Wisdom and Order struck it's poignancy with every glancing thought. Wisdom and Order, I kept repeating back to myself, Wisdom and Order... "...See that all these things are done in wisdom and order?" Obviously there is a reason that this scripture was phrased the way it was, and still, I'm honestly shocked that I gave this much thought to a scripture... not like me at all.

Firstly, I recognized the idea that Wisdom was placed BEFORE Order and in an unexpected gust of second nature I got slapped in the face by my metaphorical mind self. It would make NO sense to have Order before Wisdom... Let's present it like this, shall we?

You have family coming over for dinner... or maybe friends over for a party?

Okay?

okay...

 

The overall task at hand would be to clean the house and prepare to host your home for guests and visitors that day.

Right?

right...

 

The WISE thing to do would be to make a list of things that need to get done.

That's the easy part.

Actually coming up with the list of things that needs to get done?

Different story.

 

Let's image we actually did the chores and cleaning BEFORE we made the list.

 

RED FLAG #1

 

Everybody reading this just realized, "That doesn't make sense!!!"

But we're not done... bear with me here.

 

We even follow through with carrying out the chores, BEFORE we put thought into them.

Things become A LOT harder (and on a grammatical side note, A LOT is two words, not ALOT... alot sounds like a type of animal, one that I don't want to own... I wouldn't want to own an alot... but even then, you don't own adog or abear or abird... does that makes sense? Grammar rant - Done.) to get done. Absentmindedly (without thought or wisdom) we could do the dishes before we prepare the food, which means once the food is prepared, we may end up having to do the dishes again...

 

We could vacuum the carpets at the beginning of the day and then dust right after that, which means at the end of the day you would have to vacuum the now days worth of sullied carpets which have been todden on in a day of preperation... and very few people dust the same thing twice in a day, and depending on the kind of vacuum you have, you may have to dust again... but you won't ;) see where I'm getting? And before you know it you're mowing the lawn at midnight with no light (so your mowing lines are all crooked and make your lawn look bad), the bathrooms still haven't been cleaned and your children have failed to be fed.

 

It's a hassle.

 

Chances are, taking some thought and time and Wisdom (KEY WORD ALERT!!! WISDOM!!!!!!), we can then put things into order, we save ourselves time, headache, stress and double cleaning duty (and this is all metaphorical, reffering back to the scripture).

 

It made sense... Wisdom before Order. I kind of thought WO! That's crazy! And then it hit me again, "THE SCRIPTURE'S NOT EVEN OVER!!!" The next part said, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." This part made such complete and natural sense to me, since I've already prepared and taken care of the pre-requisites, this shouldn't be too much of a hassle to deal with. Not only that, it probably COULDN'T be ahassle (see what I did there?) to deal with, even if we WANTED to run faster than we had the strength to, our preparation, planning, and wisdom would help us to decide otherwise. But even if we wanted to run fast, I think we couldn't run faster than we had strength, I just think that our Wisdom would give us MORE strength, and that would ultimately lead to a faster running speed.

 

There's nothing wrong with moving in a fast paced personal life... we live in a fast paced world! Sometimes we can't help it, sometime we get caught up in how fast it is, that we focus less on the Wisdom of the choices and more, how quickly and how much can we get done... in essence, the Order of our fast paced lives, and as the little demonstration displayed ^^^^^^^^^^^ we could soon create more than is necessary for us to deal with. But for those who CAN display and DO display Wisdom before Order, they ARE blessed with more strength and in turn they CAN move faster than the average person. I know only a few people who are like this, but the cause and effect are jaw droppingly effective, and the results are exponentially benificial. Once you start on that track, you can't stop.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND!!! There are those who (Introverts) need time to themselves to think and understand, here we end up spending all of our time in Wisdom section and we completely put Order out of place, thinking that if we think about it enough, somehow, the Order will present itself. But just as those who run Order, thing after thing after job after job after obligation after obligation, should probably delve a little more into the thought and Wisdom aspect of the tango, those who focus obsoletely on Wisdom should probably open themselves more to the Order, and either way you run the play, neither can happen without SOME form of outward expression. Meaning, we need to start incorperating what we have a smaller percentage of for a more balanced and more well rounded lifestyle, this can be from baby steps like; simply acknowledging that said process needs to take place, to sparatic zombie steps like; working on Wisdom here and Order there and then maybe some ice cream and then some more Order and then Wisdom and then treat yourself to GoodWood, to ka-frakin-huge steps like; having a total change of heart, stopping all morally unhealthy activity, changing the direction your life is heading and doing it all cold turkey, over night. Any and all are plausible, but simply depend on how you operate and who you are. Ultimately, Moderation in all things.

 

It sends me straight to the talk given by Elder Kent D. Watson of the Second Quorum of the Seventy from the October 2009 Conference Saturday afternoon session, the talk is titled "Being Temperate in All Things." An overarching ideal in this talk lends itself to the fact that, "Learning to be temperate in all things is a spiritual gift available through the Holy Ghost." Which means something else. If, as King Benjamin tells us, we see to it, "that all these things are done in wisdom and order;" it is going to be the product of the Holy Ghost and its accompaniment in our lives. God is only willing to help us as much as we are willing to help ourselves, he will not trust us with more blessings if we cannot proactively procure the blessings that he is attempting to offer us now, and those blessings will in turn lend to the knowledge and experience that we need to obtain other blessings and again, the results are exponentially benificial. Once you start on that track, you can't stop. But YOU have decide to take action, YOU have to decide what action is best to take, and YOU need God to make that decision, he will offer you the basics, the Wisdom and Order, what you do with it from there is all you.

 

"And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent," (this is the part where you productively procure), "that thereby he might win the prize;" (the prize, in my opinion and in the case of this post, the understanding and knowledge of what it is to have those gifts, to cherish them, and to use them wisely) "therefore, all things must be done in order" (in which the wisdom that God has granted you will ease the road in procuring what you find important and what is vitally necessary to your spirit and your overall moral, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.)

 

 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Wisdom) "And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." (Order)

 

"God does not play dice with the universe." ~ Albert Einstein

 

"God has a plan for all of us, but He expects us to do our share of work for it." ~ Minnie Pearl

 

"Don't expect that you Deserve anything, chances are you don't want what you deserve." ~ T.W. Kline

The Poem - A Destiny We Thought We Chose

Sitting tall among the grass, and far away I see,
A mountain in the distance, a fun disturbance on the scenery.
'I'll climb that mountain,' I protest, 'It is my destiny,
when I go? I do not know, but who will come join me?'
There is no modest answer, there is no loud protest,
but a mountain peak awaits me, majestic, earthly crest!

So strapping down and kicking back along the journey's way,
I'm never steady in my pace, but progress won't delay.
There is a journey to be had, exhausted I decree,
'I am not looking back again, who will journey now with me?'
But my sight is fixed upon my boots, I know my journeys' end,
I've studied this from far abroad, each road, each fork, each bend.

It's not how I recalled it, when I saw it from afar,
This road is much more dirty, and the forks much more ajar.
But the picture of that lonely mountain, standing on its own,
Made victory and conquering it, seem quite the apropos.
And now I think, 'I could be wrong, misjudged my own direction.
But surely this is what I want, this is my hearts affection.'

Then sullenly, and losing life, I no longer carry on,
for suddenly, a stifling strife, my reasoning is gone.
I've forgotten why this journey, has been so dear to me,
why did I leave my short green grass, why ever did I flee?
There were no trials, was no strife, where grass was my only friend;
sadly I knew I lost my way, around that very first bend.

I can see the top of the challenge, I can see the peak of the hill,
Simply just a few more steps and my hearts desire I'll fulfill.

It doesn't matter, it's not important.

It's no longer worth my trip, my time, my passion, my affection,
'I'm going home,' I shout alone, and hear not a single objection,
my heart is gone, my soul is done, and crying; cease to strive.
And of my own fruition, all happiness deprive.

But here's a sight I did not see, laying on my green grass pillows,
Someone searching for my cry, beneath the weeping willows.
Somehow I had missed them, on each fork and turn and bend,
I had failed to see these stunning trees, and my beautiful best friend.
Perhaps my journey's not yet done, perhaps it's not the end.

My friend locks eyes and now has found, my sickly, pallid cry.
With welled up eyes and joy filled heart my friend shouts, 'Over there!
I've found a brand new mountain, a new adventure we can share.
Perhaps we'll meet some new best friends, to join our merry crew,
Perhaps it's now just you and me, the two of us me and you.
And maybe on this long, hard road, we'll learn a thing or two,
But I will never leave your side, even when the journey's through.'

And holding back the ugly cry, the countless tears from wonder,
I cannot help but be in awe, in words that crash like thunder.
This is not chance, this is not luck, that we have met, we two,
I say, 'My friend! You've saved me, fixed me!' They reply, 'You too!
For you are not the only one, who's been lost along your way,
we set out on different journey's so that we could meet this day.'

And now - continuing along our road, my new best friend and I,
I now am on the lookout, to keep a weathered eye,
For all those things I missed before, for beauty exemplary,
For now the sweetest journey of all, is in sharing the memory.

Sitting tall among the grass, the Lord points out to me,
'I've made that mountain, for you to climb.' I ask, 'Is that my destiny?'
He says, 'Just step and trust in me. Soon enough my child, you'll see.'

The Family, a double entendre... maybe even triple... or quadruple... quintuple possibly...?

"Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
(also, ... the goose is getting fat)
Please do put a penny in the old man's hat
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do
If you haven't got a ha'penny, then God bless you!"

Christmas came and went in a stunning blur of blue skies, cloudy skies, dry roads, snowy mountains, shopping, eating, loving, laughing, caring, sharing and over all generally happy holiday and Christmas spirit.
"At this festive season of the year Mr. Scrooge, it is more than usually desirable that we make some slight provision for the poor, many are need of wants and hundreds more are in want of common necessities... so a few of us have en devoured to raise a fund to buy the poor some meat, and drink and means of warmth, we choose this time of all others when want is keenly felt and abundance rejoices!" ~ A Christmas Carol, Stave 1, Solicitors 1 and 2

This Christmas season, I discovered what the spirit of giving really is, and in turn came to understand the spirit of Christmas more closely. I don't have steady job, I act, I write music, I can't depend on a steady flow of money, it only comes if I want it bad enough and work hard enough and long enough for it. Not that anybody else's aren't, but I feel the money that I earn has an extra appeal to it because of the countless of hours of unpaid work that go into the final product, for which I am finally stipend. All of this money, however, worked its way directly out of my wallet and into the gift bags and presents for others. I didn't/don't mind not having money, I'm more than okay with a loss of monetary status, what's more in fact, I was given such a peace of mind and such solace in my heart for the gifts that I gave. It was slightly revelatory for me, I never would have guessed that NOT spending MY money on ME would have brought me more joy than presents for myself and treating myself to dining and toys (although I did once or twice, it's the Holidays.) But this is where the story gets interesting, and thinking ahead, it's not meant to be, in any manner, obtrusive or deliberately maniacal, but honest, and from my point of view and mindset. NOW, shall we go on with the tour?

I managed to get a present for every member of my family this year, this is the first year I've done that. My presents, me. I got them for my family, with my money, and even my time. You see, most other years it tends the way of:
     Mom: "Here sweety I got you this card to give to someone special for Christmas, sign it and put it with the present that I also got for you to give to someone else."
     Me: *muttered under my breath almost reluctantly* "Heartfelt love and wishes, I love you, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, maybe a birthday if you've got one of those..." etc. etc. etc.

No. Not this year. And in a sense, I was proud not only of the gift giving act itself, but in the thought that each person deserved in those presents. Pregnant sisters got lotions, and body scrubs (you need them when you're hosting for two on a BYOB kind of night), an engineering whiz of a little brother got copious amounts of Duct Tape, the mother got a statue of an angel accompanying a small child, the outdoor beloving father received knives, a smart ass got an ugly sweater. And on top of all of these gifts were my gemstones, my pride and my joy, the lullabies that I wrote for my most perfect and beautiful nieces and nephew. I was proud of my accomplishments, I was full of joy to know that my wallet was empty, my days long and crammed and that my heart was full because of it. What I didn't realize is that Christmas anymore is left not the act of giving, but the things themselves. I grew up with relatively small Christmas' (I didn't know they were at the time, but in comparison to most, relatively small), and that didn't bother me. It gave Christmas this allure, this giving, loving, charitable time, draped in the beautiful falling snow and blanketed in the cold and snugly time of winter. Christmas managed, in a way, to lose this allure.

Upon purchase of the gifts, I was promptly notified that I would receive nothing in return, I was caught only for a second until I was completely okay with this idea, I loved the idea of giving for givings sake and accepting nothing in return, I had not done such a serviceable act in such a very long time, it was almost joyous. That is, until the tag line came, it wasn't because people didn't have time to get presents, it wasn't because they didn't have the money or ideas of what to get as gifts, it was because a paper said that I wasn't the person that they were supposed to give gifts to. In my ever jocular, holiday mood, I didn't take a second thought to it, I chuckled and said it didn't matter, and for the most part it didn't. Then I was told that I "should" have only gotten gifts for this person... because the paper said so. You see, the paper is, apparently, a mystical object that tells people how to feel, act, and operate during the holiday season, it tells you what recipes you should bake, what gifts you should get, the price range of those gifts, and even TO WHOM you should give them. I dared not question the paper, it sounded like quite a powerful and mystical object indeed. After all, it was managing to run Christmas better than the spirit of Chirst could.

This was the part that twerked me about Christmas, the idea of limited giving. I was twerked indeed.

Christmas came and it went, I even attempted to revive an old tradition or two, to no avail. We had breakfast, opened presents, everybody left and it was over. That was it, that was Christmas. That was CHRIST-mas, no morals, no scriptures, no CHRIST! as quickly, painlessly and with such a get it over attitude as was possible so that we could move onto other Chirstmas' and other families and other presents. At the end of Christmas with my family, my biological family, I physically had seven presents to go home with, all which fit conveniently in my pocket and right hand (the left was filled with my pillows and other such amenities used for the sleepover on Christmas Eve.) Now, that may sound greedy and wanting, but it's not the gifts, the physical gifts themselves, but the spirit that existed in the act of giving, and since there was no evidence left of the giving aspect, there was no giving. Not even in time, people showed up for breakfast, ate, opened and left before I could realize what happened on Christmas day. My faith and comfort in the spirit of Christmas was restored though when I went to (as viewed by my biological family) my "perfect" family's house. This is where I have been living for the past six months of my life, and to add to this story that fact that one of my families does not like the other, does not help add to the Christmas spirit. When I got back home, where I'm living, my "perfect" family was still head strong opening presents, after a long breakfast and whatever other traditions that they carried on each year. I was just in time to walk in and open my own. O.O

In the heat of attempting to impress and make amends with my own biological family, I had completely negated my inherited family, and like I had done for my own siblings, so each of my OTHER siblings got a gift for me, not to mention my "perfect" mother and father reigned their Christmas presents down from on high their celestial pedestal. But let me catch myself here, it's not the presents that brought the feeling I'm soon to discribe, it was never about the presents, it was about the thought, the action and the care excecuted from each to make Christmas worthwhile. Sitting in the sun room, surrounded by family ever eager and awaiting for you to open your presents, the presents that they had gotten me, was more of an ethereal feeling than I would care to describe right now. The presents were the catalyst in this idea that it's the action of selfless giving that makes Christmas worthwhile, and they all seemed to be happier, more care free, and somehow have a lot more time for each other than we did with our paper and instructions on how Christmas "should" be. What's more, when I couldn't return a single gift to any of them, I got hugged with the comforting words "That's not what Christmas is about, you worked hard enough for your family, don't worry about us. Everybody deserves a break once in a while." I had to excuse myself to cry in the solace of my bedroom that Christmas morning, and just when I thought it was over, everyone came back for Christmas dinner (which wasn't cheap by any means either!)

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. 
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

The presents came, yes. They were nice, yes. But Chirstmas, the spirit of Christ, the holiday of giving, came in exactly that, the spirit of giving and the worship of Christ and his ultimate gift. I dare! you to top what he did... you just can't. And to think, if only I had listened to words of a childrens book, this whole problem would have been avoided.

There is very little I have to complain about (*scans back over the entire blog post), and I am unusually lucky and unorthodoxically happy. I have more than one family, and though some see it as a curse and pain in the ass, I've come to discover it as the best Christmas present of all. I am blessed, I am healthy, I am happy, I am loved and I love unconditionally in return, what more can I ask for. God has blessed me with more than I derserve and sometimes even more than I can handle, life doesn't get much better than that. There is solace in selflessness, how much more plain could I make that, in giving to others, you find yourself. In losing idoletry, you find comfort and joy, true present to share with the world. May God or whatever higher power you believe in bless you with more than you are able to recieve, may blessings be poured out upon you that you have no room to recieve them, and are left with no other option but to give. My love, my support and my affection always. Till we meet again my friends.

The Thanks We Give

Since thanksgiving is close at hand, I figured I'd play along, and dive right in, to divulge some of the things I'm grateful for. First and foremost, friends. My dear appreciation for those who have shaped, molded, sculpted, protected, loved, comforted, built, held, gossiped with, cried with, shared with, cared with, shopped with, laughed with, laughed for, wondered about, prayed about and shared with me. Even in writing, I have this euphoric feeling, I can't really type at the same time that I'm thinking of all the wonderful memories, and amazing experiences. There are absolutely four of you that I could not live without, I've thought about it from time to time, and have very well been dumbfounded by my loss of knowledge as to what I would do at your absence. I say this often, but there are very few words of the human language that can do justice to feelings and emotions, I cannot portray them and I cannot share them without diluting them greatly, I will make no attempt to either, I only wish that you could know, that all of you who have been a part of my life, for better or for worse, could sit down with me and I could praise you for who you have made me and for what you have done to make me the man I am today, and the journey has just barely begun!!!

For those of you who are not the four, I do not mean to single you out or leave you pardoned, I mean to grant you an even deeper love, not that of a deep and secular friendship, but of a lifelong and meaningful one. I wished this shortly ago to a dear friend of mine, not that we be best friends, or even friends in family, but lifelong friends, friends with a history and purpose. Friends who last eternally and engross love in all forms and in all places and in all things. I seem to grow more and more frustrated at the fact that there are words that I search for to try to express my show of love and appreciation for you, only to find that these words don't exist, and the ones that do, cannot bring justice to love demanded. The word hug does not bring the comfort that the physical arms and warmth of presence do. The word kiss does not satisfy the tenderness and love that the intimacy of the act brings. Though I cannot replicate them, I do wish every opportunity to give them to those who deserve them. If you have walked a path with me, or even crossed mine in the past, present, or possibly in the future, than I protest that my arms, my warmth, my tenderness, intimacy and love is reserved, specifically, for you. I don't like to beat the meaning of these words, but Thank You. Easily over used, but never under appreciated, Thank You in the most heartfelt and deepest meaning.

I'm thankful for my family, and though I will talk about the difference between the two, I'm more particularly focused on the one I was born into.
Though I hate admitting it, I do love my family. And I am baffled to think why, they raised me, they loved me and cared for me. Why is it that I find it so hard loving them in return, why do I have such a challenge partaking of their company and enjoying their spirits? I have thought long and hard, for many, many, many days and months about this. I have come to a conclusion though. Though it is a process, I want to learn to love my family. I have shut that door before, but I missed the kiss of a mother and the hug of a brother. I have longed for nothing more than to be a part ALWAYS of the spirit inside my nieces and nephew. I have longed for nothing more and wished for nothing less than to hold my sisters and brothers at all hours of the day and night as close as I can, to tell them personally and quietly of my love for them. So yes, I am thankful. I wish my actions matched my feelings, and I wish my feelings could be more fully developed and more outwardly expressed. I do love my family, I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for their love and tender, tender support. I love them, I wish that they could more fully understand that. It is a process, any love is a process, it takes work and it takes commitment and dedication to any degree for anybody. I love them, I am grateful for them indeed.
Among that family is family (how obviously redundant), not that I was born into, but have acquired over the years. I am grateful to have multiple fathers who have sheltered me, taught me, supported me, believed in me, laughed with me, drank with me, enjoyed with me, smiled and pondered with me, discussed and debated with me, given me opportunities to learn and love and grow, to be a part of their family, I have many of them, each one unaware of the other but none less dedicated, less devoted, less loving or caring than the other. Each one fully deserving, just as my own father, of that very title. And more importantly, to THEIR loves and THEIR lives, their wives, who have equally become my many mothers, who have done just that and more, I dare not defile any word here that is even closely associated with who they are, and what they do, I can only love them, with all my heart.
To all of the brothers I have, to their love and their support, there is no love more effulgent than that of brother who stand by you and loves you, who holds and guides you through the worst and the best, and most supportably earns their title, their love, and their relationship. How lucky I am to be a part of them, to be with them, to know them and to share with them.
To my one and only sister, the dearest love of my life and singularly most important person I have right now. That sounds so exclusionary, but it's what I am indeed thankful for. I am thankful for our few days spent together and our endless love and sweetest of times and relations. There are special memories, occasions and feelings reserved for special people who deserve them most, she is that one. Though I beat these words, again, to death. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I am eternally grateful for my soul mate, and she knows very well who she is, I will say nothing more than what you have already heard, and what I try to remind you of every day. You. are. my. life. And I will never, not for a fleeting moment that my heart works to draw breath to my lungs, stop loving you, stop cherishing you, stop thinking of you. You are my very soul, the thing of which Christ himself has declared no being can live without, you are my very soul.

I am thankful for many things, a child's laugh, a warm tear, the caressing tenderness of a friendly hand, the mind-clearing heart-warming voice of a loved one. I could rant and rave till I die of what I am grateful for, it would do me no good. I pray, so deeply and heavenly, that we have chances to cross paths again, however often or seldom that we do, and that I can express my deep and unending love for you. That I can hold you, and hug you, and kiss you, and love you.

I don't deserve it really. I really, and ever so simply don't deserve to be as happy and carefree and full of love as I am. I am blessed. I just can't help myself.

May God or whichever higher power grants you your life forever grant you with so many forever blessings that you have no room to receive them, that you are left with no other option but to pass them on in love and devotion and care. May the spirit of warmth and happiness accompany you in the holiday season and for your many long and prosperous days ahead of you. May you someday, fully understand how much I love each and every one of you. Till we meet once more in a most loving and heartfelt embrace, I give thanks. May God be with you and may you have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Me Inside Me

Sometimes I intend to post things on here that are over the top and probably unacceptable. Lately I have started to find myself...(which is weird because I thought I knew myself, but have come to learn differently and understand who I am and how I work and love... all that junk.) So today, I'm going to do exactly that... Kind of like my very first post (the things that I thought were secrets,) where I'm just going to post literally what's on my mind ALL the time and people can get over it or do what they will... but I get quickly tired of feeling suppressed by the emotions all the time. This is the first time I've really thrown out everything ABOUT ME (not about what I like or don't like), but about my soul, about me... me in a nutshell... this is a first... *whew ---------- Here we go!

• For starters, right off the bat... There is no one in this world that I love more than Tiff. Sorry...
• Secondly. I wish I could hold my friends at all hours of the day... sleep with them even.  Not in a sexual way, but in a manner that lets them know that I am always there for them. That I am always watching over and keeping very close tabs on them, making sure nothing happens and that I am always responsible for their well being.
• I am amazingly feminine in my love for appearance, architecture, music, theater and mostly just beautiful things. It's not a bad thing, and I hate the stigma that accompanies femininity in men.
• I enjoy theater and music because it is something that has not been the most supported in my life (until VERY recently). I use it as an attempt to make a greater triumph of the opposition I have faced.
• I have a very straightforward mentality... if you are not with me you're against me. If you are not loving, then you are hating. If you are not learning than you are digressing. There is no middle ground... there are no breaks... there is no kind of, or maybe or someday. Get things done and make things happen.
• I have very vivid visions of my future. Most of them involve my wife and my children, I do make perfect images of what they will be like, and I will stop at nothing until I can meet those dreams and visions... regardless of what you think.
• I try to love my family, but I find it VERY difficult. Truth is, I would rather give up. I would rather give up on A LOT of people, but I don't. I try hard to keep the friendships I have and blossom the relationships that I care about, and sometimes I try too hard and too often for things that are better left alone... every person and every soul is of value... even if you are a stupid fathead.
• I. LOVE. SMELLY. THINGS. In all reality, Bath and Body Works is MY store! I can't get over it. It makes me SO happy, I ALWAYS have time to stop by that store and check out all the scents.
• I love my groups. And I have many of them... They are my real family, and I care MUCH more about them than the family I was born into. These people, Luc, Sis, Kiera, Kayla, Ashley, Taylor, Maggie, Felix, Steve, Joseph, Tiff, Ally... these are my true siblings and real family. It has been interesting to see what a true family is like, the amazing love that constantly exudes from their hearts and the wonderful capacity to look out for one another. I die when I lose contact for more than day with at least one of them.
• I check out guys butts... yes I do. And girls butts... some butts are just nice to look at.
• I can, and I do, do it all. From cooking to cleaning, from music to literature, from backpacking to matchless fires, from arithmetic to arts... if there is something to be done, I will do it. It will get done.
• I embrace individuality more than I embrace power.
• Love is really the key to all peace and happiness... it's just that simple.
• I like looking nice, and I will pay so that I can look nice. I also like looking not nice, I don't need to be high maintenance all the time and I choose not to be sometimes, and I like it.
• I use language. It was something that I was raised with and I'm not going to stop just because you were raised differently... I respect you enough to watch my language around you, but I'm not going to stop, it will slip... eventually... get over it... the world has worse to offer I assure you.
• If you cry independence with your hand held out, I will cry dependence back in your face with my foot in your balls.
• Some people just piss me off... there is no avoiding that. The thick and thin is, that I will be very open about it and let you know exactly how I feel, if I don't like you, I will be blatant and hurt your feelings about it, I'm not going to waste my time so that I can break things to you slowly, if I can take criticism... so can you.
• Yes. I've made mistakes and I will continue to consciously do so for the rest of my life. I have never, and WILL never regret a single mistake I've made. Everything has something to offer you, do not be blind to what can improve you daily, take the criticism, take the bite, take the pain and anguish and tragedy and learn from it... it's the only reason it's there.
• I do not pine for a relationship. I pine for love, and friendships... a wife and a girlfriend is completely irrelevant for a teenager or young adult to succeed.
• I have strong opinions and I stick to them and could care less what you think.
• I enjoy quality time, which consists of me communicating with you and you communicating with me... that is quality time.
• I used to be an avid liar and expert manipulator, which led places that I didn't want it to go, and led places exactly where I knew it would... I don't regret lying to any of you, and I will continue to lie to most of you... just not the ones I love... truly love.
• Even though I have an ego, I do not like any aspect of me at all... I do not like my physical attributes and I am all the time downgrading the way I look... it's hypocritical and in no way healthy, but I can't get over it. And I do it within reason, not excessively or in a self abusing manner... just straight up... I am my own worst critic.... ALL THE TIME!!!
• It's hard for me to love... but when I do, it is exponential and unending. It is so great and terrible that sometimes it can come off as awkward or annoying or sometimes alarming. I know of no other way to show my love to  people than to show and give it all... sorry.

So whether of not that was aghast-worthy information or not... I feel better... and I no longer care. I'm happy to be me and to continue to get to know me... it's been a terrifyingly fun adventure. Care to join? 

The Hobbit

It's been quite a while since I've posted here... mostly due to the fact that I've had the flu... but I was thinking (whilst lying in bed all by myself with nothing to do and no one to keep me company), how long it had been since I had last read The Hobbit. Thinking of The Hobbit brought to mind one of the better poems that I remember of that whole book, which also happens to be the theme song of the trailer for the film coming out this December (SO EXCITED!!!) Since the chapter is called Unexpected Company, and the film is called An Unexpected Journey, I figured it would be fitting to share one of my more favorite poems from the whole of J.R.R Tolkien's works.

"Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away ere break of day
To seek the pale enchanted gold.

The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
While hammers fell like ringing bells
In places deep, where dark things sleep,
In hollow halls beneath the fells.

For ancient king and elvish lord
There many a gloaming golden hoard
They shaped and wrought, and light they caught
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.

On silver necklaces they strung
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung
The dragon-fire, in twisted wire
They meshed the light of moon and sun.

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To claim our long-forgotten gold.

Goblets they carved there for themselves
And harps of gold; where no man delves
There lay they long, and many a song
Was sung unheard by men or elves.

The pines were roaring on the height,
The winds were moaning in the night.
The fire was red, it flaming spread;
The trees like torches biased with light,

The bells were ringing in the dale
And men looked up with faces pale;
The dragon's ire more fierce than fire
Laid low their towers and houses frail.

The mountain smoked beneath the moon;
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.
They fled their hall to dying -fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.

Far over the misty mountains grim
To dungeons deep and caverns dim
We must away, ere break of day,
To win our harps and gold from him!

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To find our long-forgotten gold."

I am SO EXCITED for this movie to come out! There's the only sharing I'm up for doing today ;)