It's not like me to open up to people, and there is probably no one who is going to read this thing, and to those of you who do, my best wishes. I begin by saying, Every cloud has a silver lining, it's the whole reason I named the damned thing Silver Lining. My hop is that this little journal puppy is my silver lining, to something better... something with more hope and a better outlook on life then I could offer in a simple Facebook post.
Today was a wonderful day, but something just clicked, like the matchlock flint to a gun. I had no reason to set it off, I had no reason to get angry (which is a lie, I don't get angry. I may have an outburst to a very close friend, but I don't get angry, I don't find it conducive), but something clicked/snapped/burned down/clocked out/dropped dead and I became SO FRUSTRATED. I couldn't stand it, it's partially due to the fact that I don't take medication for my anxiety anymore... okay... it was ALL due to the fact that I don't take medication for my anxiety anymore... but there is a fine line, either I have an anxiety attack once every other three months, or I'm fine and dandy all of the time... There's a catch though, on medication, it's hard for me to be creative, I can't write, I can't read, I can't create, it even becomes hard to love. OFF medication all of those things are possible and actually flow quite free... ANYWAY!!! WALK! I WENT ON A WALK to cure all of my anxieties and depression and angst. On that walk I bought a lighter... cool huh?
I realized something on that walk, that I was SO afraid to die alone. I have no problem being alone, I have no problem being single and doing my own thing, being my own person. But I realized for the first time today that I couldn't opt out of being a parent and a husband, it would have to wait farther down the road though, when I've established not only myself, but also my lifestyle. THEN my wife and I can have kids. I guess I feel like too many people are tied down by the idea that you have to go to school NOW and you have to start a family NOW and you have to make a living NOW. I want nothing more than to let time take its course and to run my life where it needs to be, not run time to where I think I SHOULD be, but to where I NEED to be. And not even I can say where that is or with whom. But I couldn't help thinking tonight, I am terrified at the thought of dying alone... I couldn't do it... I wouldn't be able to! It would literally kill me!!! Not that I need to get married right away! But I would like to know (for not only my sake, but for hers as well) WHO I was going to marry. I know it sounds weird, but I really think that it would do a lot of good... to let my wife know that we both have lives to live and that when the time comes, and when we're ready, that a family wouldn't be such a bad idea. THEN, I could get married. THEN, I could be happy and live and love and learn and grow, not just from life and education now, but from my perfect companion and my children.
There is one hindrance in this plan though, there is only two people I could think of that I could marry... I'm much to picky otherwise... and only one of them is real!
I apologize to those who are reading right now... this post is just like my mind... all over the place...
In all that scattered ideas and logic, there came the idea... inspired by good kindred spirit of mine... for the first time I'm going to tell the things about me that no one knows, or at least that I don't think anybody knows... they might be insignificant... but they are my closest held secrets, and they are precious to me. Do with it what you will.... O.O here we go!!!
- For starters, I hate spiders (no secret, but I thought I would share... this truthfulness stuff is killing me...)
- I have the most radical thinking, and I stick to it. No one (or a VERY VERY select few) can get me to change that... I am who I am, and who I am needs no excuses.
- There is no better or more healing picture for me than the foliage of a green mountain... there is paradise in a tent or a hammock under the stars, watching and pondering... it heals the soul and there is nothing better or more soothing that this world has to offer.... (okay... not NOTHING... there are other things... but rarely do you get them all hand in hand, I will die the day I figure out a way to make them all happen)
- The warmest memory I have is Christmas. Every year I find the greatest joy in snow and the music of the holidays, it's calming, warming and ever so bittersweet that there can be such joy in such a time of death and cold... the juxtapose throws most people off, it just makes me happy the world has SO much to offer.
- I create a LOT of mental images of my future, and I love all of them. All of them involve my wife, and all of them involve unconditional love... that's just the way it is.
- I'm OCD about OTHER PEOPLE'S THINGS!!! I can be as messy as I want, but as soon as you're out of line, watch out as Monk steps into the room!
- I love very few people... and I feel ashamed that I can lie so openly to people... but here's the deal. I want nothing more in life than to love openly and freely and never impede anyone from their happiness or success. I only want the best for those that I care about, and in my attempts at being the best I can be for others, I want to love... I have only ever loved twice and both have lead me astray. But love has many meanings and levels and I think I love people openly and truly... but I don't LOVE people... or at least very few... chances are, if you are reading this and I've told you I loved you, I probably lied... but you better check with me to make sure.
- Disney or anything related to it can cure anything wrong with me in a split second... from sadness to, I'm sure, death... play a Disney song or tell me we're going to Disneyland/Disney World or anything related to it, EPCOT, Hollywood Studios, Sea World, Downtown Disney, Animal Kingdom, Blizzard Beach etc. etc. and I'm cured.
- I will give my life for music and theater, it is not only my living but my life. The only other things that I would ever give my life for is a very few select handful of people... and I can most likely count them on one hand... with just my five fingers... yes... that few....
- I. LOVE. GOLDEN. OREO'S. It doesn't get much more simple then that.
- If you could make a living off of making stupid faces and awkward noises that aren't coherent and don't belong WITH or TO or AROUND or any other description you want to use... then that would be my living...
- I like food
- I suffer from a disease called The Thomas Edison syndrome... and I kid you not, it's a real thing. I would much rather NOT waste my time eating and sleeping when there is so much to create/explore/do/see/discover/re-discover/read/love/touch/smell/hear/experience/hold/wonder at/think about/learn/understand/be baffled at, and one hundred other things... no one can do it, especially those who waste their time sleeping and gorging themselves (this does not mean I don't indulge from time to time, I just think we'd be better off not wasting our time CONSISTENTLY... and thanks roomy for getting me back in the habit of sleeping for freaking 6-8 hours a night... that was sarcasm for those who didn't catch it)
- I'm going to be famous. Whether you're with me or against me, supporting me or defacing me, it is going to happen whether you like it/support it/enjoy it/endorse it or not. The ultimate dream is to have a publication in EVERY aspect of entertainment or art. A book, a play, a musical, a movie, a song, piece of art, recipe, etc. etc. you get the idea... I think...
- I enjoy being critical... there is very little room for mistakes on the road to success. I want everybody to be successful no matter what they do... therefore I will be critical of you. But be careful, there is a difference between being judgmental and critical. I will never judge or be judgmental, but I will be critical and help you succeed. There is a difference.
- I get bored really quickly... I really don't know how I've sat down to write as much as I have, and I am in SHOCK that you are still reading this far.
- My favorite flower is the Gerber Daisy
- My favorite note on the piano is E flat 4... mostly because on the piano that I use right now, that key is broken, so it is the least heard key that I use...
- My favorite key is G Major...
- My favorite minor key is E flat Minor.... ooooo, fun!
- I have a HUGE sweetooth... I like sweet things... and yes, that does include attitudes and personalities...
- I'm compulsive... I buy compulsively.... I hike compulsively... if we're ever together and things just start happening, I assure you that there is no reason behind it... just go... if I start cliff diving, either follow me down or call the ambulance. BUT DO NOT!!! sit and judge me, so help me I will haunt you for the eternities to come.
- I have very strict opinions, and they are excessive... tough shit. Imagine! People actually having a conscience and thinking for themselves.... CRAZY!
- Yes... making out it fun
- I LOVE hiking! Backpacking most especially (most especially... I'm sure that's breaking several hundred english rules right there) but I love the fact that you can adventure for days with nothing more than literally the clothes on your back and the adventures in your pack. CRAZY!
- I bike everywhere! Not simply for the health benefits, but because you notice more when you run or walk or bike. You pay attention to more details, more stores, more shops... cool little things like that.
- I put Parmesan cheese on my popcorn. And butter... and I like it
- I have not watched a film for leisure in a VERY long time. There is always some sort of analysis going on or some kind of theory at play behind it. I rarely sit, watch and enjoy a film. But in all honesty I am an avid movie goer!
- All the Mario video games are the best video games... there's just no other way around it.
- I'm going to be on Broadway one day. Here is a list of the characters I am going to play (Their order is not important, no character is more important than the other... except for Captain Hook... he will always be more important) :
- Hook - Peter Pan
- Marius - Les Miserables
- Cat In The Hat - Suessical The Musical
- Lumiere - Beauty And The Beast
- Sweeney Todd - Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
- The Chairman - The Mystery of Edwin Drood
- Jasper - The Myster of Edwin Drood
- Cornelius - Hello Dolly!
- Elder Price - The Book Of Mormon
- Crutchy - Newsies
- Zazu - The Lion King
- Alfi Doolittle - My Fair Lady
- The Pharoah - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat
- Corny Collins - Hairspray
- Billy - Chicago
- Cioffi - Curtains
- Aaron - Curtains
- Belling - Curtains
- Fiero - Wicked
- Tommy DeVito - Jersey Boys
- Francis - Forever Plaid / Plaid Tidings
and i'm sure there are more...
In honesty... that was kind of more than I wanted to reveal and absolutely nothing along the lines that I wanted to blog about... but now that I know how this whole thing works... I'm excited to keep it updated! There ya go!
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